Hmmm

Why do people revisit unhealthy relationships? Why do the bad parts seem so "not so bad" at times? Why does the anger and turmoil and all the hurt seem to fade away after awhile? Shouldn't we need that? To make sure we don't go back? As a protective measure? 

Playing Catch Up

I guess I'm going to blog again. I have lots of things building up inside of me and I need to get them out. It's been a long time since I blogged...when I was blogging, facebook wasn't that big. I didn't really know that much about what everyone else was doing all the time and I think it can be harmful at times. I like being connected to everyone on facebook but at the same time, it drives me nuts too. School started back today. Today was the kids' first day back. My blog is so old..when I first started this blog my littlest baby girl was one. She's six now..almost seven. She's in the second grade. My oldest daughter is a sophomore, my middle daughter is in 4th grade and my son has started his last year of middle school. They are growing so much. I love them so much. They are all so fun to be around (most of the time). I do love my little family so much. I just reread these blogs that I wrote so long ago. Now I'm a little heartbroken. We never got to adopt. Which I think is a good thing, now that I look back on all that has happened. We fostered and connected with a teenage girl and almost adopted her. Lots of history there and I don't want to delve into that. But we never adopted. It's still there...inside of me, something that I guess will never ever go away. But I've had to decide for myself what I wanted more and I want the family I have more than anything else. I thought we were on a journey together but I didn't realize I was trying to drag people with me. So I've given up I guess. I figure it's not up to me to change anyone's mind...I'm leaving that up to God. But as the kids get older I see that we're running out of time. A window is closing. :/ I still feel the same way I do about adoption. We were approved for the one little boy that had medical problems (they picked us as his family) but TN would not approve the adoption b/c they were afraid we would get in over our heads and we would change our minds and give him back to the state and then TN would be in charge of paying for his care. So that didn't happen. Again, it was a good thing that it didn't work out but I will always carry that with me, even when others have forgotten. This year we are hosting an exchange student from Brazil. She was supposed to already be here but she's had some problems getting her paperwork straight so she isn't here yet. But hopefully soon! We are really excited for her to come and stay. She's going to be sharing a room with our oldest daughter and she's excited about that. I really hope this year goes good for all of my babies and that Makayla and Stephanie become good friends. I don't go to school for psychology anymore. But I am about to graduate (I hope) with an associates in Healthcare Admin. I have one issue I have to get straight before I can get my diploma but after that's done, I'm good. Well..that and my last class seems hard. But I'll get through it. I'm not sure what I want to do with it once I finally get done. I have been thinking about putting that degree towards my RN, but again, I'm not sure at all. It will be a lot of work and more student loans, so I just don't know. I don't even know if I'd be able to work and go to school, with it being that hard of a course of study and my having four kids. I don't know. There are so many things I want to do with my life. I feel like I'm doing none of them. Then occasionally I'll think, omg, I'm running out of time, I have to get a move on and I start to get panicky. You only have one life. So what do you do when the people you share your life with don't want the same things??? That's where I'm at today and what's weighing heavily on me lately. Of course, I do look around and see all I am blessed with. I am blessed with so many things I can't mention them all. I love all my babies so much and I'm so proud of how they are growing and they are pretty awesome kids. :) Hopefully I'll keep this up this time and maybe my brain won't feel so full. Maybe it won't be five years before I post again.